This topic has been a discussion between Master and I for the last
couple of days. Topping from the Bottom. What is it? Do I do it? How
can it be stopped?
I believe that this is something everyone in the scene
contemplates. Whether they are new or experienced. I think that
every sub/slave wonders about this phenomenon.
Ok so what is it?
Topping from the bottom can manifest itself in a number of ways.
You want attention from you Dom/Master so you act out, He ignores
you, so you act out more. It becomes a vicious circle until you get
the attention you seek. Take a child at the grocery store, he wants
that candy bar, you say no. He starts to stomp his feet and yell and
cry, you stand firm and continue saying no. Finally after 20 mins,
you give in and he gets the chocolate bar. Who is in control? You or
This example is a pretty straight forward scenario and
easily understood. A slave/sub does not wish to act like a child. We
are adults, act like adults. If you Master says "no" then accept it
with dignity and knowledge. The knowledge that he is saying "no" for
a reason and that reason is in your best interest. To stomp your
feet, or argue, is topping from the bottom. Is trying to get your
own way in a relationship where the only right "way" is what the Master says.
Topping from the bottom. That same child looks at you with
different eyes. The child *knows* he can get what he wants. As does
a slave/sub that tries topping from the bottom in this manner. And I
believe they look at their Master/Doms in a new way also. Especially
if this behavior is allowed to continue. I think, that if we are
allowed to continue like this, that we begin to lose respect. As
soon as we begin this, our relationships becomes destined for
failure. The only way to prevent it, is not do it. Our Master/Doms
are human and like a harried mother, tires of a continual battle.
If we continue to push and to demand as the child in the above
scenario did, then our Master will eventually give in. Regardless
of what you think, you have not *won* that issue, all you have done
is started the path to failure.
I find in our relationship based on my talks with Master and
friends that I very rarely exhibit this form of behavior.
Aww but there is more. And here I often wonder.
Your in a scene, and your head space is not there. Your
thinking of the business or kids or the housework and not focusing
your attention on your Master. This happens to everyone in a 24/7
relationship. You bite your lip as the whip comes down across your
flesh and look to your Master, with tears welling up in your eyes
and yell in a hurtful and loud voice *OUCH*. It didn't hurt that
bad, no worse then any other day. But Master, He loves you cares
for you, and even though "ouch" is not a safe word, He looks to you
with concern. You know. Inside you know. So you try to smile and
reassure Him, the good slave, and He goes on, and the whip comes
down again and you yell *ouch* and you make the tears come. Master
stops the whipping, comes to you with concern in His eyes, you begin to caress Him, kissing His flesh, reaching for his swollen member.
He responds as any man would and your SM scene has just turned into a vanilla love making. Who is now in control?
Manipulation. Topping from the bottom. Pretty similar
definition I believe. The slave/sub used her tears, the love the
Master/Dom has for her as a way to control the scene, even though
the Master *wanted* a SM scene it ended up being vanilla love
making. We all have done this. I don't care what others say. If
they are truly living together 24/7, then we have all done it. We
are humans and at times we want things to go our own way. However,
when we do this on a continuing basis, then there is a problem. The
Master has lost control and the slave has gained it. Your a slave, you don't want control, you may not want whipped at that specific
moment, but you want controlled.. always. You cannot have it both
ways. You cannot pick and choose which areas of the relationship
that you will be in control. You have to accept it, accept the
whipping regardless of whether you desire it nor not. That is why
your a slave.
The Master, He needs to be aware of the topping from the bottom
what it is. He needs to always understand that *ouch* is not a safe
word. That you will love Him, even after the whipping.
I think I explained this well but there was one other area of
discussion that Master and I had.
What about needs? Is voicing *my needs* topping from the
bottom? (Yes slaves have needs and if those needs are not fulfilled
then you will find an unhappy slave but voice those needs wrong and
your topping from the bottom.) I worried about this, and Master
reassured me, He stated 1) I am usually gagged during a scene so
what I voice is irrelevant anyways and 2) my needs are to be voiced
before any scene is even mentioned. I can voice a need today, which
is what Master wants, and we may not scene for a week. It is now up
to Master, to fulfill or not fulfill that need and has no connection
what so ever to a scene. So I think, that as long as the needs of
a slave are voiced appropriately and at the right time, then she is
not topping from the bottom.
This isn't an easy subject to tackle. Master and I have been
discussing this for two days now. Trying to understand exactly what
topping from the bottom is and how it affects a relationship. We
both agree that continual misuse of topping from the bottom is a
recipe for disaster, that both the Master and the slave has to be
aware of this natural phenomenon and that both parties have to keep
it in check so it does not get out of hand.
Myself?? I think the best way to prevent any topping from the
bottom is to keep your Master/dom a priority in your life. He is #1
for without Him you become a shell of a person. When He is made a
priority then you will find, that you also are now a priority.