Negative Self Image
May 24 2014
Body image is something that I have NEVER talked about on my blog, hell, other then Master, I do not think I have talked about it to ANYONE..until now.
I have low self body image
There I said it! I have negative body image. I am fat and I hate it. I hate when Master touches my fat, hate when I see myself in the mirrow. HATE HATE HATE it.
I have been doing some reading on this, for my negative body image has gotten worse, as I have gotten older and as the disease has progressed. And I am amazed at what I have learned and what I have read.
Guess the first thing is self confidence. Se I HAVE self confidence. I know I am a good worker, house keeper, cook, slave, and when it comes to finances I know what I am doing. And I always struggled with that. How can I be self confident yet feel like shit because of the way I looked???
Well it seems that these two issues are not connected to each other. Yes I can have high self confidence yet still have a Negative self image.
So what is Negative Self Image?
It is basically how *I* feel concerning my physical attributes. Mainly my weight. Its funny, I have gorgeous curly red hair, blue eyes, quick to smile, well kept, clean..etc etc..but all I see is the fat. And I think as I have aged, as the disease has progressed, that my self image, has gotten worse. I always had self image issues even when younger, from what I have read MOST women have some sort of negative image. Be it too fat, too thin, straight hair, short hair etc., and when I was younger it was no different. I wish my hair wasn't so thick (now I love it) and even when I was *thin* I wished I was thinner. But now...I think it has gotten out of control. Now, me being fat, stepping on the scales, can ruin not just my day, but my week!
And it needs to stop.
So what is my plan? Well I can't stop aging, nor can I stop the progression of the disease. I am not going to pretend that I can lose 100 pounds..cause I can't. But what I can do and try very very hard to do is stop beating myself up over the weight. Stop stepping on the scale once a day, the weight will still be there and stop berating myself about the weight. And START some positive affirmations. Not that "even though i am fat I am a good slave" ones.. for it is still a negative. But real affirmations.
I AM A GOOD SLAVE
I am a great cook
I keep an immaculate house
I am kind loving caring
and I will try to make conscious healthy eating decisions, and not focus on what the numbers say. For those numbers spiral me into a downward depression and only *I* can stop that. I will succeed in this, I might fall back and mess up occasionally, but I will succeed and one thing I plan to do is end each entry I make from this point on with something positive.
I love deeply