August 22 2014
So I am trying, I really am. But the depression has just gone on and on. And it doesn't help that I have lost an additional four pets since the passing of Bella. It seems I always have the lump in the back of my throat and that I am always swallowing down tears.
Shortly after Bella died, we went out to our turtle pond to find Donnatello had passed. If you go back ten years you will see how she was our very first rescue. It looks like she might have had a fight with one of the bigger turtles..and lost. We buried her and I cried
And then July 23rd we found Einstein our Mockingbird, dead. He drowned in the pond. Yes really, in the pond. How?? We have no idea. I loved him to death, he had the sweetest song and would sing to me when HE saw me. And He died and I spiralled into a dark hole.
And I don't know how Master has put up with me, my emotions are so raw. He can look at me wrong and I will collapse into this puddle of tears. And I breath and I do positive affirmations and I bury myself in work and housework, and I swallow down the tears and the screams.
And then we lost EggNog and Truffles, two of my hens. Ya Ya, they are JUST hens right?? Not in my house, these are pets, my hens have fans and an insulted chicken coop and i make frozen treats for them and they sit on my shoulder..and sighs. They got sick a respiratory infection, a common cold to us, but a death sentence to them. Even after injecting them with antibiotics I still lost the two. The reaming 15 look fine, they have been given an injection of antibiotics so now we just take a wait and see attitude.
But you know, people look at me, waiting for me to scream or to break down and what do I do? At night I cry myself to sleep. I sit here alone, while Master is in the shop working..and I cry. I shove it down as deep as I can and hope it stays there.
And I worry that one day it is all going to come to the surface, and lord only knows what will happen.
I just need a few months of NOTHING dying ya know. It is so bad, that I have stopped taking in rescues, I get too attached too quick and I love deeply. IMO that is my biggest fault. And every time something dies, I feel like dying with it. I beat myself up and think "what could I have done to make them live."
And Master, I feel like a failure as His slave. He looks at me wrong..I cry. He touches me wrong, I cry. He spends too much time/too little time with me and I cry. As stated I am an emotional roller coaster and it is driving me insane, and I think it is making me physically sick. Is that possible?
And even this blog, I think gee I write so much "downer" shit since Bella Died. So then I don't write, instead the dark hole just sucks me in further and the depression just holds on tighter.
Sighs, but I am trying I really. I just need things to stop dying.
I miss my Dog and my life will never be the same