Dec 20 2015
I am on anti-depressants, and actually depressed. Or was. The Anti Depressants seem to be helping ALOT but I Will get to that. I am 50 years old and never had depression issues until this year. Well Actually I think it happened last year when Bella died, but no one would listen to me then. This year it was so bad, they HAD to listen.
Even Master would not listen to me, everyone said "give it time you will get over it." or "its not that bad." and So Bella died and I cried and I cried and I cried and I went on, and yes it did get somewhat better. But not much. So I started some research on depression and life. Well reality is most people do not have to deal day in and day out with pain and illness, add in menopause and the god damn hot flashes plus add in the med's which has a side effect of depression and seriously I am not sure why NO ONE LISTENED.
But I hide it and remained strong and "put on a happy face."
And then the bull shit of this year rolled around. We have spent thousands of dollars on the kids, between helping to buy homes and then fixing them up. And baby rooms and broken Televisions and broken dishwashers. We have bled money all year long...and that stress me out. Plus flooding and sick chickens, Kois and cats. And yes my stress goes up even more and I start to think "I cant do this any more."
And weddings and babies and cruises, yes all good things. Hell we went on three cruises this year , but even good things can stress you out. So my stress went up.
And the business, I seriously understand why the majority of the world, works for others. As an Employee and an Employer, I have witness both sides of the coin and running your own business is out of this world stressful. You worry about credit card laws, and PCI, and supplies and pricing and IRS and W2's and month ends. The list goes on and on.
And then Gypsy and her cancer and that was it. I knew I had to get some help. I have been battling depression all year. With everything that happened. Hell dealing with a chronic debilitating disease, self employed, wildlife rehabber, my plate was already over flowing and then Gypsy, and it came crashing to the floor.
And it was so weird and so intense, the guys would come into my office and say "we have a problem" and the room would spin and it felt like someone was sucking all the oxygen out of the room, and I could barely think. And they would leave the office and I would cry.
When I went to the doctor a NEW doctor, I told him and I am SO THANKFUL for him. He put me on the first FDA Approved non estrogen medication for hot flashes AND it is also approved for depression. So we are killing two birds with one stone. AND IT IS WORKING. I Finally feel like ME again, back before Bella died.
But I think what irritates me is some peoples reaction, like "Well stop rehabbing the animals" someone said to me...UMMMMM no see yes it can stress me, and yes I cry when one dies BUT man oh man, when you see those wild animals IN THE WILD and you call their names and they still come to you. It is amazing. Or when you stand in the yard and the birds you raise are at your feet it is magical. AND YOU think I should get rid of this joy? If I got rid of everything I could that caused me stress (rehabbing chickens kois cruises etc) Then then only thing I would have left in my life would be crap stuff like this business.
so not. going. to. happen.
Another one implied I Was weak, and I LOVE the quote on my pictures "Depression is not a sign of weakness, it means I have been strong for far too long." I look back at EVERYTHING that has transpired since Bella died and know I have been strong and I am still very strong. I just need a hand getting thru this new part of my life.
Master, has been so good thru this time, supporting me, and taking care of HIS slave and HIS property to the best of His abilities. But I think he also has felt some relief with having me on these med's. For even we have had some argumements that has fed into the depression (which I will write about later) BUT.. It is getting..better. It really is.
I will hopefully do another entry this week. I want to touch on something Master said that tore my heart out and our M/S relationship. Which is still amazingly going strong. but until then I hope everyone is having a very happy holiday season!!
I have lost 52 pounds this year