When Words Hurt
Dec 24 2015
I have always felt some insecurities in our relationship, I think the normal things, most women have, I am too fat, my nose is too big/small. That sort of thing. In MY case it has always been my weight. When I got sick and lost mobility, I gained weight and hated/still hate it. But it wasn't until recently that I had, what I believe is REAL insecurities based on the words Master said.
I will start with a typical day in our home to give you an idea of what transpires and what happened. I have rules, alot of them. Most of them are now second nature, looking in people think "OMG He controls her" but I often think "gee this is so normal." Anyways I wake up between 7:30 and 8:00 AM. He does not allow me to get out of bed any sooner. Really sleep is overrated. So I get up and the first hour or so is spent online answering and weeding thru the nights emails. Some days it is only 30 or 40 other days, it is in the hundreds.
By 9 AM, I am usually ready to start the animals, I prepare bottles and foods, and do veggies for the day, wash water containers and food containers, and begin feeding everyone. Most times Master helps with this. And we go out to do chores, the fish house and kois and turles, the chickens, dogs, cats etc. By 10 AM I am done and cooking us breakfast.
It is at this time that we go our ways, for after breakfast, He goes into the shop (altho Master comes in and out all day) and I begin my work. It is now 10:30 or so.
I usually get dressed at this time, I do not have to ask Master what to wear for EVERYTHING I own has been picked out by Him. I know that panties are not allowed and I am to look my best for him. Its now 11 AM
Back to the computer I go depending on the day, I am doing invoices for the shop (every mon/wed/fri -- during the busy season like now, it is every day.) Some days it takes me 60 mins, other days it takes me 3 or 4 hours. Inbetween doing invoices, I am ordering supplies, or searching out supplies or dealing with suppliers as well as answering the phone and tending to any problems the shop has. This usually takes me to lunch (1pm) and some days beyond. Like month end or year end etc.
At 1PM we do lunch and I prepare His and my meals, by 1:30 I am back outside for a few minutes to gather eggs. and at 2 PM I am hopefully finishing up the business work and now beginning the house work.
Master, IMO has alot of expectations for me, from the business, to the house work, to fucking, sucking, and doing as He says. And it tires me so come 2 PM I am getting tired. Remember I have Multiple Sclerosis, so I am always dealing with pain, fatigue, spasms, etc from the nasty disease.
Anyways around 2 to 3 pm I begin my housework, vacuuming, moping, laundry, dusting and yes still dealing with customers/work stuff in between. And I am tiring mornings are MY BEST. I usually have another coffee at this time in hopes to give me a little extra boost...often it doesn't work
by now it is 4 or 5 pm and it is time to start our baths and our dinner, as well as feed the animals the evening meals. After we eat Master helps me clean up and I am usually exhausted. Yes I am tired.
So this is sorta my day, add in sex when he wants it (today it was at 6 PM) or sucking cock when He wants it or cleaning His cock when He wants it or dealing with the million other business things I deal with..and come 6 pm..I am wore the fuck out.
And here comes my insecurities. But it wasn't until one night a few weeks back, When I asked Master to do something for me and he said "I get tired of helping you."
And my heart broke, and my head spun and someone sucked all the oxygen out of the air and it fed HUGELY into my depression. For how do you forget words like that.
And I felt like a failure, and still do. And I felt like I was done, I cant do it. I cannot work 40 hours or more a week on this business, and be his full time slave and run around half naked and wear anal plugs for half the day, and suck cock, and clean house and care for everything and cook meals. I CANNOT DO IT. And He is tired of helping me.
And I cried, and cried and those words rang in my ears over and over again (and still do) and so I stopped asking him for so much help, suck it up buttercup. And I cried and we fought, which we very rarely do and I cried.
This disease is going to rob me of my legs, I know this. One day, tomorrow, next week, in ten years but IT WILL. And then what? Is Master going to tire of me then? When I cannot do all the above or even get up to go pee? Ya, 15 years into this relationship and I now have real insecurities. And when I think , He is no longer happy with me. How can he be. when come evening I am a lump of nothingness, just a fat blob sitting here in hidden misery trying not to complain about the pain or tiredness (which I rarely do) wishing I could go to bed at 7 pm, rather then His allowed time of 9 PM. And it was just bad.
He would say I do not tell him, but many many nights I have said, I am so tired I want to go to bed and His reply is "it is too early it is only 7 pm." And so I stay up, it pleases Him. Yes it pleases Him. See I do not TIRE of Him, I scratch his back whenever He ask and HE says stay up, I stay up and He says lets go and some days I can barely walk and I say ok lets go. I tire of this job, I tire of customers, I will never tire of cooking him his meals or doing his laundry or sucking his cock..never. And to hear those words come from him.
broke my heart.
After a couple of weeks, of me crying and us arguing, He finally went out and bought me an Im sorry card, and what he wrote was sweet and comforting and It sits in my china cabinet to be treasured but the fear is there. The what if...and whats going to happen when. And here it is weeks later and I still find myself crying into my pillow at night..wondering what's going to happen.
I have lost 52 pounds this year